For seven months - is not an easy task!!!
Especially with three children and one on the way. Being a military spouse, there is always the chance of taking care of the home-front on your own sometimes. But that doesn't ever make it easier or something that we are expected to do with a smile or something we are really ever all the way prepared for. There are always chances in life for a lot of things to occur. A lot of painful things! But it doesn't make it any easier! Proud of my husband who serves our Country and military? Supportive of what he does? Yes! Proud I have to stay home and do it alone for seven months? No! But it's one of those things that I don't have a choice in really. And I don't feel that I have any room to complain having friends gone through this even more than once. Still doesn't make it easier or less painful! I have three, almost four, reasons to get up each morning, make the most of my (and their) day and take care of a bazillion things and then at the end of the day, know that I did my best and that's all I can do.
I still vividly remember the phone call a few months back. John telling me that he was going to be deployed soon. That he ASKED, of all things, to be deployed! That was a hard thing for me to swallow. I had recently found out that we were expecting another baby so this wasn't exactly music to my ears. I was worried that he wouldn't be home for the birth and more worried about him not being here like he always has been. This would not only be his first time deploying, but his first time being away while I've been pregnant. He told me that him deploying would actually help his chances to get promoted down the road. That, in fact, him getting passed up in a previous promotion board was due to him not ever being deployed. Kind of a hard thing to do when he's been attached to a nondeploying unit for quite some time. So it came down to him asking (begging?) to get sent out. I didn't like this, but I knew it would help his career and we could make it through somehow someway. I knew this was important to him - to our family - and fully supported his decision!
{Three months pregnant}
September 1st arrived faster than I would have liked. This day hung over us like a dark cloud in a storm. We knew it would be here sooner or later but boy were we sadder than sad when we woke up to realize this was the day! The flight was in the evening so we had most of the day to be together. I was so grateful for that!! We took Aubrey out of school and had lunch at Red Robin - one of our family favorite hangouts.
And then we made the long dreaded drive up to Dulles Airport. We checked in his bags and sat around outside of the gate...spending every single spare minute we had together. The kids and I had previously written him letters so we used this time to shower him with our love. Lots of tears were shed and hugs exchanged. We really didn't want to say goodbye. It would finalize our reality of something that felt like a nightmare. Without one of us around, we don't feel complete! But I had to stay strong for my children. And boy is that harder than it sounds! First, I have to be strong! For myself...in order to be strong for them. The time finally came for him to get to his gate so we gave a huge group hug and watched as he made his way to the escalator. It was a blurry sight might I add. I had tears welled up in my eyes as I watched my best friend leave. My heart was so full. We both looked at each other until we could no longer see one another and then all four of us stood there and cried. Kids wanted to run after him! A few minutes later, we made our way back to the car. Which, with the usually construction on the highway, took us almost three hours to get home. Wow! What an overly emotional day! I'm sooooo going to miss him! We are going to miss him and very much look forward to his return!
I'm thankful I'm getting through this deployment time while being pregnant as at the end of the day, I'm exhausted and pass out - unable to sit around in silence after the kids go to bed. And I believe that's the only reason I'm thankful I'm pregnant without my hubby home sharing this time with me - as our baby grows inside my belly. Being tired and not able to let my mind wander...wondering if he's safe while in Iraq, etc. It's a good blessing I don't get a lot of alone time to reflect and worry! I just hope he gets home before the baby is born. If not, not the end of the world. But it would be a wonderful thing to have him back in time.
I often get comments like, "Wow! You're SO strong to do this alone! I don't know HOW you do it and stay strong!" Well. It's like this. For one, I know I'm not alone. I am surrounded by many loving and supportive people. Long distance family + friends, nearby friends and close neighbors. I also have the Lord in my life and I know without a doubt that he's there for me and my family - watching over us and protecting us. And last but not least, even though my husband is far far away...he is still 100% there for me! You don't know how strong you are until you HAVE to do something. Something very very hard and something you never expected you had to do until it needed to be done. As painful and hard as it is....if it doesn't kill you, it usually makes you stronger! Boy do I know this one well! I can't sit around and wallow in my sorrows or curl up and cry all day and throw a self pity party. (Not that I would anyways.) I have my children to focus on and take care of and oh how thankful I am for that! And some days, I can't think past the current day. Most of the time I am distracted with all that I have on my plate to get done in a days time. Growing a new life inside me and taking care of both of our needs are hugely important and being healthy for myself and my children is at my utmost priority! I have to create a healthy network of friends and family around me and keep out the negative ones. I'm, in a lot of ways, in survival-mode. Mostly to protect myself and my family so we can make these next seven months without my husband/ their father present. It's not easy by any stretch of the imagination...and every day doesn't really get easier. We just know how to handle our pain a little better.
My lesson in this isn't how to be independent. I've had that one down for a long time. I'm thankful I can be self-reliant and know how to do pretty much anything on my own. With that said though, I think my lesson is learning and allowing others to help me in my time of need. To give others a chance to serve someone that is having a hard time and needs help. Even if it's just a lunch date with a friend. Or a phone call from someone checking in on us. Or someone offering to watch the kids so I can get through the grocery store with more ease and less stress. I'm learning to accept these offers as I also know that the Lord works through other people in our lives to help answer our prayers. To decline a helpful hand can potentially deny not only them feeling helpful and useful but can make things difficult for me and my family too.
We were finally able to Skype with John today. The kids were beyond happy to see their Daddy on the computer screen! They tried with all their might to tickle him through the camera and give him far away kisses. Such funny kids they are. It was such a sweet moment to see him again as well as being comforted in knowing he got there safely! Two days down...and many, many more to go. Too many, I'm not keeping track! That would just make me lose my mind! :)
So for now, I'm content in seeing these three sweet faces and smiles every day - and knowing that even though my heart aches to not have John by my side right now, it will be okay and we
will make the best of it. Having been gone from them last month for a week, I know on a small scale what it's like to not see them every day and can only imagine how John must feel and how hard it may be. All the things he's going to miss (all 3 kids birthdays, 1st day of school for the girls, soccer games, holidays, etc). So we do all that we can to make him feel loved from afar. Lots of letters, pictures and care packages as well as Skype 20-30 minutes on just about every single day while he's away. I can't express how much that helps! My heart is full of pain and love and anxiety and just about every emotion out there...but I know it will carry us through until we are together again!
I love you, John!
The kids love you!
We all do....so much!
xoxoxoxo
